英文爆笑笑话

英文爆笑笑话

英文爆笑笑话1

　　At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater(母校，校歌) . One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.

　　I sure was! answered the host. He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?

　　Sort of, replied the guest. My mother married him last Saturday.

　　在朋友家的一次宴会上，主人提起一位高中时的校友。一位客人问他读书期间，某位副校长是否也在职。

　　当然了，主人答道。他是我见过的最大的`混蛋。你也认识他吗?

　　有点认识，客人回答。我妈妈上周六嫁给了他。

英文爆笑笑话2

　　Have a neuropathy, I do not know where to get a handful of pistols, he is gone in a little black alley. When suddenly a young man, neuropathy apart from anything else its guns on the ground by pointing to his head. Asked one plus a few zero. Terrified young people, thought for a long time. Answer, equals two. Neuropathy of the killing he did not hesitate. And then get pulled in his arms, said a cold, you know too much ...

　　有一个神经病，不知道从哪里弄来了一把枪，他走在一条小黑胡同里。突然遇上一个年轻人，神经病二话不说将其按在地上用枪指着他的`头。问道，一加一得几。年轻人吓坏了，沉思了很久。回答，等于二。神经病毫不犹豫的打死了他。然后把抢拽在怀里，冰冷的说了一句，你知道的太多了…

英文爆笑笑话3

　　Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五个月

　　第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。

　　可约翰的`哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。

　　“你多大了?”军医问。

　　“十八，长官。”约翰说。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”

　　约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”

英文爆笑笑话4

　　A little girl from the East Side was invited to a garden party given by a very aristocratic(贵族的) lady to a group of little East-Siders.

　　The little girl, as she drank her tea and ate her plum-cake on a velvet(天鹅绒的) lawn under a white-blooming cherry tree, said to her hostess:

　　Does your husband drink?

　　Why-er-no, not to excess, was the astonished reply.

　　How much does he make?

　　He doesn't work, said the lady. He is a capitalist.

　　You keep out of debt, I hope?

　　Of course, child. What on earth do you mean by all these impudent(无耻的) questions?

　　Impudent? said the little girl. Why, Ma'am, Mother told me to be sure and behave like a lady, and when ladies call at our rooms they always question Mother like that.

　　一个住在城东贫民区的小女孩获得邀请，参加一位贵妇人为城东贫民区的孩子们举行的花园晚会。

　　在一棵开满了白色小花儿的樱桃树下，小女孩坐在柔软的.草地上，一边品尝着她的茶和梅子蛋糕，一边对贵妇人说：你的丈夫酗酒吗? 呃，呃，不，他喝得不多。夫人一脸惊诧。

　　他挣多少钱?

　　他不工作，夫人回答说，他是个资本家。

　　我希望你们没有负债吧?

　　当然没有，孩子。你问这么些无礼的问题到底是想说什么呢?

　　无礼?小女孩说，怎么会呢，夫人?妈妈要我的举止一定要象夫人们一样，当她们到我们家做客的时候，她们总是那样问我妈妈的。

英文爆笑笑话5

　　1

　　In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.

　　Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.

　　When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: Go barefoot.

　　中学的时候，我对自己的'高度非常敏感。

　　一次，一位救生员约我出去。事实上，我从未和他并肩站过，因而不知道他到底有多高。因此约会那晚，我拿出两双鞋，一双高跟，一双平跟。我安排哥哥去开门，让他和救生员比比高度，再上楼告诉我应穿哪双鞋。

　　门铃响了，我在楼上等着。哥哥跑上楼告诉了我一个不幸的消息：你可以光着脚去约会。

英文爆笑笑话6

　　Lose One Pound减掉一磅

　　I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age." Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?" 我称赞我的一个同事减肥10磅。可是，我禁不住夸耀说我17岁时，体重225磅，而目前体重是224磅。我还说：“这对我这样年龄的`男子来说，是不错的。”

　　一个女子听到了这些话，她说道：“你是说你花了这么长时间才减了1磅?”

英文爆笑笑话7

　　A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, "You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?"

英文爆笑笑话8

　　A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway

　　station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many. Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response.

　　However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New

　　York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"

　　At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"

英文爆笑笑话9

　　The doctor lives downstairs医生住在楼下

　　"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs." “医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”

　　他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的.体重需要减少大约50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

英文爆笑笑话10

　　Buy the ice

　　Once a simpleton’s wife told him to buy some ice.

　　Two hours later, he didn’t come back. She wanted to know why he didn’t come back and went out to have a look. She saw he was standing in the sun at the gate and watching the ice melting. “What’s the matter?” She asked him. “Why don’t you bring it in?”

　　“I saw the ice was wet and I was afraid that you would scold me so I’m running it dry.” The simpleton answered.

　　从前有一个笨人的妻子让她的丈夫买几块冰。 两个小时后，他还没回来。

　　她想知道他为什么没回来，就出去看了看，发现她的丈夫在门口站着，在太阳下晒冰，看着冰融化。

　　她问他：“怎么啦?你为什么不把它拿进来?”

　　“我看见冰是湿的.，恐怕你会训斥我，因此，我正在把它晒干。”笨人回答道。

英文爆笑笑话11

视力训练 Visual Training

　　The squad were having “visual training”. One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field.The party was so faraway that the men appeared as mere dots， but unhesitatinglythe recruit replied： “Sixteen men and a sergeant，sir.” “Right;but how do you know there's a sergeant there?” “He's not doing any digging,sir.”

　　班里正在进行“视力训练”。一个聪明伶俐的新兵被班长叫出来数远处旷野上采掘队的人数。采掘队在很远的`地方，那些人看起来只是一些小点儿。但是这个新兵毫不犹豫地回答。 “十六个兵外加一个中士，长官。” “正确，可是你怎么知道那儿有一个中士?” “他不干活，长官。”

英文爆笑笑话12

　　A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents

　　occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.

英文爆笑笑话13

我是来装电话的

　　What a big deal A young businessman had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."

　　我是来装电话的一个年轻人刚刚开始做生意，就租了一个漂亮的办公室。一天，他坐在办公室里，看到有一个人在外面，于是他就装作生意很忙的样子，拿起电话胡吹乱侃，还不停的`甩出几个大数字，好像在谈一笔大买卖。到了最后，他终于挂了电话，问来访的人，“有事儿嘛?”那个人回答，“我是来给你安装电话的。”

英文爆笑笑话14

救出哪幅画?

　　A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

　　The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

　　一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅?”

　　获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的.那一幅。”

英文爆笑笑话15

　　：You may put my beard on again

　　A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it. "Two pence," said the man. "No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again." The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave. "A penny." said the barber. "I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again." 卖扫帚的人和理发师

　　一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的.价钱. 卖扫帚的人说:"两便士"

　　"不,不"理发师说,"我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去."

　　卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱. 卖扫帚的人说:"我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上."

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