美国最佳毕业典礼讲话稿

　　thankyou, president cowan, mrs. president cowen; distinguished guests,undistinguished guests - you know who you are, honored faculty and creepyspanish teacher. and thank you to all the graduating class of XX, i realizemost of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept sincefat tuesday, but you can't graduate 'til i finish, so listen up. when i wasasked to make the commencement speech, i immediately said yes. then i went tolook up what commencement meant. which would have been easy if i had adictionary, but most of the books in our house are portia's, and they're allwritten in australian. so i had to break the word down myself, to find out themeaning. commencement: common, and cement. common cement. you commonly seecement on sidewalks. sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, youbreak your mother's back. so there's that. but i'm honored that you've asked mehere to speak at your common cement. i thought that you had to be a famousalumnus - alumini - aluminum - alumis - you had to graduate from this school.and i didn't go to college here, and i don't know if president cowan knows, ididn't go to any college at all. any college. and i'm not saying you wastedyour time, or money, but look at me, i"m a huge celebrity. although i didgraduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. i spent alot of time here growing up. my mom worked at and i would go there everytime i needed to steal something out of her purse. but why am i here today?clearly not to steal, you're too far away and i'd never get away with it. i'mhere because of you. because i can't think of a more tenacious, more courageousgraduating class. i mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. usually whenyou're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up. i'm herebecause i love new orleans. i was born and raised here, i spent my formativeyears here, and like you, while i was living here i only did laundry six times.when i finished school, i was completely lost. and by school, i mean middleschool, but i went ahead and finished high school anyway. and i - i really, ihad no ambition, i didn't know what i wanted to do. i did everything from - ishucked oysters, i was a hostess, i was a bartender, i was a waitress, ipainted houses, i sold vaccuum cleaners, i had no idea. and i thought i'd justfinally settle in some job, and i would make enough money to pay my rent, maybehave basic cable, maybe not, i didn't really have a plan, my point is that, bythe time i was your age, i really thought i knew who i was, but i had no idea.like for example, when i was your age, i was dating men. so what i'm saying is,when you're older, most of you will be gay. anyone writing this stuff down?parents? anyway, i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, and the way iended up on this path was from a very tragic event. i was maybe 19, and mygirlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. and i passed the accident,and i didn't know it was her and i kept going, and i found out shortly afterthat, it was her. and i was living in a basement apartment, i had no money, ihad no heat, no air, i had a mattress on the floor and the apartment wasinfested with fleas. and i was soul-searching, i was like, why is she suddenlygone, and there are fleas here? i don't understand, there must be a purpose,and wouldn't it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call god,and ask these questions. and i started writing and what poured out of me was animaginary conversation with god, which was one-sided, and i finished writing itand i looked at it and i said to myself, and i hadn't even been doing stand-up,ever, there was no club in town. i said, "i'm gonna do this on the tonightshow with johnny carson"- at the time he was the king - "and i'mgonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sitdown." and several years later, i was the first woman in the history ofthe show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because ofthat phone conversation with god that i wrote. and i started this path ofstand-up and it was successful and it was great, but it was hard, because i wastrying to please everybody and i had this secret that i was keeping, that i wasgay. and i thought if people found out they wouldn't like me, they wouldn'tlaugh at me. then my career turned into - i got my own sitcom, and that wasvery successful, another level of success. and i thought, what if they find outi'm gay, then they'll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was whenwe just had white presidents - this was back, many years ago - and i finallydecided that i was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that i justcouldn't live that way anymore, and i decided to come out and make it creative.and my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn't to make apolitical statement, it wasn't to do anything other than to free….

美国最佳毕业典礼讲话稿

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